


“It’s always been you.”

by MusicalMassasinsXxx



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas, MAAS Sarah J. - Works
Genre: A Nessian fic, Cute, F/M, Fluff, Love, Mating Bonds, Misunderstandings, Pining, Pregnancy, Starfall, kinda smut, post acofas
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-08
Updated: 2018-08-11
Packaged: 2019-06-07 10:05:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15216794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MusicalMassasinsXxx/pseuds/MusicalMassasinsXxx
Summary: Set three and half years after the war, Nesta and Cassian have been growing until one night when everything changes.The two are due to visit their family in Velaris for Starfall in a month.





	1. Chapter 1

I don’t know why it got to me. It had been three and half years since the war. I had my own Illyrian legion now. I was expanding my friendship circle slowly, my sisters and I have never been closer but somehow that bastard Illyrian got to me. 

I don’t remember what happened but all I knew was that my knuckles hurt and I was now sat in mine and Cassian’s living room curled into a ball sobbing my eyes out when to my dismay Cassian walked in.

“You’ll never believe, this guy in my elite unit had a black eye, apparently given to him by one of the females in your elite un- oh my god Nesta! Are you okay!?”

I couldn’t think straight, Cassian rarely saw me cry, in fact I made a point to avoid him when I was upset and here he was now, at my side cradling my head in his arms. 

“Nes, please tell me what happened.”

I don’t know how long we’d been sitting there, it could have been seconds, it could have been hours but I just wouldn’t budge. 

Cassian held my hand and turned them over to get a view of my knuckles which I now saw through my tear stained eyes that they were badly blooded and bruised.

“If it’s any consolation,” he said, “his eye looks a lot worse than your knuckle.”

I let out a silent laugh at that. Cassian was a Male that I couldn’t explain, we’d be constantly at each other’s throats for a week and the next we’d be laughing and drinking in our shared house. Although I’d never tell him, Feyre sending me here to the Illyrian mountains was probably the best thing to happen to me.

“Come on let’s get you to bed.”

He picked me up effortlessly and carried me to my room. I hadn’t even said a thing to him yet, for all he knew I could be crying about the stupidest thing, but he still gently held me and nudged my door open and laid me on my bed.

What did I do to deserve him?

“Do you need anything?”

When I didn’t move he made to move for the door. What are you doing Nes!? This perfectly gentlemanly Male is here, he’s here for you and you’re not even giving him a good reason.

“He said he wanted you dead.”

And like that it was out in the open, tears streamed down my face as I tried to form the words. 

“He said.” Deep breath, “ He said that he wanted you dead, and that I did no favour to anyone trying to save you.”

Cassian began to walk back to my bed and crawled onto it in order to sit next to me.

“He said that if you died, he’d be the commander of the Night court armies,” I couldn’t stop sobbing, “he said that if you died everyone would be happier for it.”

A moment of silence then.

“He said if you died then he would finally get the chance to show me how a real male treats a female.”

Cassian had gone white, I knew he was used to death threats, I knew that he had a strong soul and a calloused heart but I’d never seen him so vulnerable. He collected himself and leaned towards me, encircling me in his arms, my head tucked beneath his neck and my legs over his.

“I swear to you Nesta Archeon, that I will never ever let him near you again.” He kissed the top of my head sending a warm shiver down my spine, “I swear to every God that I will protect you at whatever cost.”

I couldn’t help but let out a small smile, I had just told him about a Male who was in his unit, and how he wished nothing more than the death of his commander and instead of worrying about himself, he came to me first. I untucked my head from under his chin and looked at him and smiled. A real genuine smile. 

“I’ll protect you too.” I said softly.

I tried to bow my head again so my forehead would rest against his chin but as I moved in, he kissed my hairline. I looked back, my nose grazing his lips every so slightly. I wasn’t sure who moved first and I didn’t care as I found his lips on mine. They were so soft, so gentle, so different to the war when it was hurried and slimy with sweat, saliva and tears. 

In that moment I knew I loved him and I knew he loved me, I could feel it thrumming through my blood, his heartbeat right next to mine. The kiss went on forever and I’d never felt so vulnerable yet protected. 

He pulled away first. His lips lingering on mine, breathing heavily, or maybe it was me. He moved a breath further away and looked into my eyes, “I should probably go.”

I wanted to protest, I wanted his lips again and for him to lay me down and kiss his way down my body. My body would explode with Joy and maybe I’d finally be happy, but I couldn’t.

I nodded at him and he reluctantly slid out of my tight grip. I watched him walk towards the door and soundlessly leave the room. I sat up in bed, with knees pulled to my chest and my head rested against the headboard smiling like a fool. A million questions flood through my brain. Did he enjoy it? Why did he leave? Did he feel what I felt? 

——

I couldn’t fall asleep, I was haunted at the thought that he might not want what I wanted. What did I want? 

That was easy, I wanted Cassian. It had always been him, that year after the war, filled with cheep ale and slimy males was all an attempt to get him out of my head. I loved him. I wanted that promised time. I wanted to go to him and finish that kiss. I wanted to walk through the camps together, the commanders of the Night court armies United and in love. 

Then what are you doing here? Why aren’t you with him? It’s a two way street, I can’t sulk around and wait for nothing to happen.

I got up from my bed, I looked in the mirror and smoothed my hair and made sure my night dress was straight. I looked at my reflection and I smiled.

I got to my door and reached to open it.

I swung the door open but I found Cassian stood on the other side with his hand raised in the air, ready to knock.

There were no words, there didn’t need to be. But at the same moment I leant up and he bent down and our lips met, it was fast, it was hot and it was heavy, there would be other times to go slow but we’d wasted too much time already. Three miserable years of both of us trying to deny the tether between us.

Cassian lifted me up and I swung my legs around his waist. My lips never leaving his until his began to travel down my neck. I gripped his hair tighter. Our breath and our moans clashing together to create a beautiful symphony. 

He laid me down and the bed bounced. The bed sunk at my sides where he had put his knees. He looked at me. Really looked at me as if he’d never seen me before, and I knew he could see much more than the smile on my lips and the blush on my cheeks. 

“Nes,” He breathes gently. “Are you sure?” 

I kissed him, and said onto his lips, “I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.”

He began to undress me, constantly kissing areas of my body, and my heart stopped when he kissed a shallow scar that was on my waist, one I had gotten from the war, not because I had fought heroically but because I’d scratched myself on something on the way to fetch more bandages for the Male who was now on top of me.

Everything moved so smoothly, our breathing and actions were in sync. It was so different to the monsters I had slummed with, every touch and caress from Cassian was filled with love. And when he entered me, every thought left my head, and though I couldn’t remember my own name, I remembered Cassian’s as I screamed it, not caring what Illyrians were near by, I wanted everyone to know that I belonged to Cassian and he belonged to me. 

——

I woke the next morning to a steady heartbeat and a muscled arm around my waist. It was probably the best sleep I’d had in ages. 

Last night after we’d... finished. We spent ages just talking about everything and nothing. We talked about us and the war, talked about my sisters, his family, Morrigan. I wanted to talk until my throat was dry, but sleep got the better of me, and I drifted off in his arms, and I may have imagined it but I heard him whisper, “Goodnight, my love.”

I decided that I wanted to do something for him, I wanted to be the most cliche and make him breakfast in bed. I’d never had the chance to do this. I’d read about it in novels and always thought it was stupid, true love wasn’t putting some food on a plate. I wasn’t much of a cook but I knew how to make an omelette and how to cut up some fruit.

When Cassian saw the tray of food his heart stopped and in that moment I Knew for sure what he was to me, I’d always guessed or assumed, and I never thought much of it, thinking that it couldn’t feel that amazing.

But as I looked at his stunned eyes I said, “It doesn’t have to be that.”

And before he could answer I started to dig in to the food, and almost immediately it was like the silence never happened.

“You know, I’ve always wanted to do this.” He said softly.

“Do what?” I smiled

“You know,” He was so giddy, “just to sit in bed, with a girl that I really like, and have breakfast with her.” 

I couldn’t stop smiling, how had things changed so quickly. Well it hasn’t, things had been changing for a while. Like last month we had spent all night under the stars, it just hadn’t escalated to this.

I looked out of the window, it was still quite early. Mine and Cassian’s body clocks were stationed to wake up early, since becoming second to the Commander of the night court armies and Commander of the female Illyrian region, Cassian and I were used to waking up much earlier than everyone else in order to get our work-out in before the others even woke.

I leaned into Cassian’s shoulder and he said, “You know what, I don’t wanna leave this bed today.”

He must have expected me to put up a protest but,

“Okay.”, I said softly.

“Okay?” He laughed, “Nesta Archeon, cauldron-born, Commander of the females and second to the Commander of the Night Court armies, king-slayer, sister of The first High Lady and the royal pain in my arse for the past three years, is ‘okay’ with staying in bed with me all day, doing absolutely nothing at all.”

He laughed as he leaned down to kiss me and I laughed as he pulled away. “I didn’t say we’d be doing nothing.” And with a giggle that I didn’t know I had in me, it started again, the wanting the needing, the tray of food found its way on to the floor along with the rest of our clothes.

And for the rest of the day I was more than happy to stay in bed with my mate. Even if it wasn’t official. Yet.


	2. Chapter 2

“Do you have to go?”

He was like a little baby. I was lacing my boots up on my way to go and see Emerie, I promised her I’d see her today and I was already late. But that wasn’t entirely my fault, all of last night and today Cassian and I couldn’t get enough of each other. It was so strange but also felt so normal. 

“I’ll be home soon, Cass.”

He was perched on the arm of the sofa which was closest to the door, sulking like a little boy. I walked over to him and his head was still bowed solemnly, and lifted his chin so his gaze could meet mine, “We have tonight together, we should probably leave the house tomorrow but I have to see Emerie.”

“So you can tell her how good I am in bed?” He smirked.

“I knew there was a reason why it’d taken so long for me to fall for you.” I laughed and then met his lips. His lips lingered as I pulled away, and his eyes were still closed when I opened the door. 

“Nes, Wait!”

I let out a sigh and turned around, “What is it?”

“I’ve been falling for you for a while, too.”

And with a shy smile I turned and left the house.

——

Emerie knew as soon as I walked through the shop door.

“You and Cassian had sex didn’t you?”

“How could you possibly know that?” I was stunned.

“You’re smiling so much, I could see the blush on your cheeks from outside.”

I couldn’t help it, after so long of pining and flirting, it felt so right.

“So, lover girl, what was it like?”

“First, have you got any contraceptive tonic, we don’t have any in the house and I don’t want to risk it if Cassian’s not on any kind of contraception.” 

“Sure let me grab it.” As she reached up to grab a small bottle from the shelf behind her, she said, “When did you last have sex?” 

“Emerie?!” 

“What?! I need to know.”

“We spent all day together,” I said with an uncontainable smile, “but we haven’t like, done it, done it, since last night, we were just...... umm... fooling around today.”

“Well I wouldn’t worry too much, because Fae pregnancy is rare as it is, but taking this tonic won’t compensate for last night.”

Oh, I hadn’t even thought about that, we were so caught in the moment, that it didn’t matter what the consequences were, we needed to be together. And even though it’d been a night, the thought of a family with Cassian set something alight in me.

“So! Tell me about it!” Emerie practically yelled.

I chucked my cloak off and hanged it on a peg and collapsed onto a chair that was opposite the counter that Emerie was sat on.

“It was perfect,” she looked at me more intently, “ and he was perfectly Gentlemanly, but also knew how to keep me from getting the appropriate amount of sleep last night.” I must have been grinning like mad, that or she could hear my thunderous heartbeat, because she said,

“Oh my gosh, he’s your mate!”

I took a quick scan before I jumped up, “shhhhh, I don’t even know if he knows yet, and it’s been a long time coming and I don’t want to say anything that would scare him off.”

“What makes you think that the mating bond would scare him off.” 

I shrugged my shoulders, not much of an answer and Em was not satisfied.

“Look, Nes, If I know Cassian at all, it’s that he’s crazy about you. The second time he came in here he kept ranting about you, but even through the yelling I could tell that he wanted you.”

“It’s just,” I let out a breath, “this morning I made him breakfast in bed, “ quickly defending myself I said, “ not with the intention of accepting the mating bond, but when he saw the tray he was silent. It made me think that maybe he didn’t want a mate. And I’d never force him, but it’s okay I just love where we are right now I don’t want things to change too quickly.”

She came over to me and put an arm around me and hugged me close to her.

“You want a hot coco?” 

“Always.”

I loved Em so much. It was actually her who made me realise how into Cassian I was. It wasn’t brought about by the best circumstances but one of the women who Emerie was really close to in her clan, sadly died around a year ago. This female seemed to be quite the role model and lots of people grieved when she died. Lots of people had lost a mother like figure and a meal for the weak, but seeing Cassian help out that little neighbourhood warmed my heart. He went and read bedtime stories to the children, helped where he could to cook and tried to build some shelter for them. I realised that Cassian was a genuinely good guy and that he meant what he said. And when he promised something, he’d never ever break that promise.

Last night, in amongst our hours long chat he had fallen somber and apologised over and over again for not protecting me when he had promised and my heart broke now thinking about how the tears had pricked at his eyes. 

Everything in my life had to have happened for me to get here. If my mother hadn’t left and my father had never gotten sick and been there for us, then Feyre would have never been in the woods that day. She never would have met Rhys, They never would have met Elain and I, We wouldn’t have ended up high fae, I wouldn’t have ended up in the war and I wouldn’t have had that perfect night with Cassian last night. Fate had brought us together and it felt stupid to stay here longer than I needed, when the possible love of my life was sat on our sofa, probably sulking, probably half naked.

I yelled to Em that I had to go, who was still making hot coco. I swung my cloak around me and began my short journey home.

—-

CASSIAN

I hated how much I missed her, sure it had been a long time coming but this had only really started yesterday and I couldn’t control myself. I wanted her here with me. I wanted to sit in front of the fire and maybe she’d read a story to me or I’d read one to her as her head would rest on my chest. Or maybe the uncontrollable wanting from seeing her will wipe away any kind of sense and we’ll end up in our room again, stars in our eyes. 

As if my thoughts summoned her, she opened the door hurriedly and made eye contact with me immediately. I could tell that she wanted it, I could see the hunger in her eyes which was probably now mirrored in mine.

She walked towards me, slowly at first, a little sigh just leaving her lips, and then all of a sudden her cloak was on the floor and her legs were around my waist. I didn’t hold back as I kissed her and kissed her. I loved the way that her hands gently slid from my cheek to my hair. I loved the way that I could feel the smile on her lips as I kissed her. I loved how perfectly her small waist fit into my hands, caressing with my fingers eliciting the most beautiful sounds from her. 

“I saw Em,” she said as she pulled away slightly, then kissed me again, “and I realised something.”

Her lips were like magnets, I couldn’t stop, in between kisses I said, “and what was that, my love?”

She pulled away again and rested her forehead on mine, one of her hands rested on the small of my neck playing with the hair there and the other had found its way to my chest, I knew she could feel it, which is probably why she smiled, my heart was going a thousand beats a minute.

“I realised how stupid I’ve been for the past three years,” her voice was heart breakingly hoarse, “All those sleepless nights wondering what to do, were stupid because I always knew who would heal me,” she started crying, or maybe it was me, either way there were now years trailing down our faces, “everything that has happened in my life has led me to you, because it’s always been you Cass,” she pressed a small peck to my lips, “It’s always been you.” She whispered and kissed me again until my throat was dry. 

I couldn’t contain myself. Our kissing had slowed down slightly, taking away all of our pent up frustrations and hunger and need, and all that was left was love, something so simple but so gut wrenching.

“Nes,” I whispered as I found her beautiful blue-grey eyes, “we were both pretty stupid, and we healed each other.”she smiled at that, “I’m not great with the words Nes, but, I love you. I always have. And I think it’s broken my heart, every day you’ve lived here with me, these past two years have been rough but they’ve probably been the best two years, because I know I was meant to find you. It’s always been you.”

The word was hanging between us, but since breakfast when she’d said that the food didn’t have to be an acceptance of the bond, I’d felt empty, I would never force her, but I would have been ready to eat that food, to solidify this thing that had been haunting us for years. 

She kissed me this time and I picked her up soundlessly and carried her to her room, where we made love to each other for hours, so much gentler and so much more real than last night. I savoured every moment and memorised as much as I could, from her breathing patterns when I tasted her, to the contours of her body.

And when we fell asleep, I held her tightly, and whispered sweet nothings into her beautiful fae ears. I wanted a life with her. I wanted a life of adventures and happiness. I wanted a family. 

I had fallen so hard with her. I had fallen in love with my mate.


	3. Chapter 3

It had to be wrong. There was no was that it was right.

Fae pregnancies were incredibly rare and I’d started taking the tonic. 

Unless. 

No. 

There was no way this child was conceived the first time we were together. 

I walked out of the healers house, and pulled my cloak tighter to me, like I felt like I had to protect something, or someone. 

I had thrown up every single day this week, Emerie had suggested that it may have been my body getting used to different hormones since I hadn’t had sex in such a long time, another female had joked at the idea that Cassian was so awful in bed it literally made me sick. She wasn’t seen for the next few days, probably recovering from the massive blast of power I sent her way. Another had jokingly said that I was pregnant. And when Cassian started getting too protective I promised him that I would go and see a healer. 

Of course I had been completely ignorant to the possibility of a child. Feyre and Rhys had been trying for at least 3 years and to my knowledge she wasn’t pregnant yet and the Gods knew how often those two would try for a baby. 

Walking home was so surreal, complete an utter panic filled me as it finally sunk in that I was having a baby. A baby. And not just any baby. This baby would be high fae and illyrian. The baby would be the child of the commanders of the Night court. The neice or nephew of the high lord and Lady. The baby would have enemies before they were born. But every thought went from my mind when I walked past a Male on the outskirts of a camp with his daughter, I was behind a tree and even if his senses picked me up he didn’t face me. He was holding her in his arms and whispering to her encouragements. He was teaching her how to fly. 

Her wings were so small. But they were big for her. She was probably no more than a year, her short curly hair clinging to the sides of her face as her father lifted her above his head and told her to start flapping her wings. When she built a steady rhythm he held her in front of him and let go. 

She was only in the air for about a second before she began to fall but her father caught her long before she reached the ground and hugged her close and swung her around, completely and utterly overjoyed that his baby girl had flown if only for a second.

I saw it then, probably not the same way Elain would have seen it, but I saw a future that I hadn’t realised I wanted. I could see Cassian teaching our child how to fly. I saw the small pointed ears and the velvet soft wings. i saw the curly light brown hair and grey blue eyes. And I knew that no matter what came our way. That we would love our child through thick and thin, and they’d be raised like any other child and protecting him or her would be an absolute honour. 

When I reached home, I saw to having a shower, the bath still kind of freaked me out, and showering was so much more efficient. Cassian was still training and I had a few more hours till he came home and I’d have to tell him. This was going to be fun.

———

CASSIAN

I found her sat on the bed when I came home, I was absolutely exhausted. Some new recruits had joined my unit and they were all eager to prove they were the best. They didn’t stop until all but one were completely knocked out in the ring, the last had the better sense than to get beaten on the first day. 

I walked into the room which we had been staying in and collapsed onto the bed with my head buried in the pillows, my mate- no my Nesta, started to run a hand through my sweaty hair. Gods how I’d missed her, I’d missed how she felt, how she smelled and the secret sounds she made. Over the past few weeks we hadn’t kept our relationship a secret, we’d walk to the dining hall hand in hand, if we were training next to each other we would often stop to see how the other was doing. I’d stand and watch her victories as she stood and watched mine. We’d stay in the training ring for hours after to dark, it’s something I had insisted, telling her that being coupled up with me, would only make her more vulnerable, and to that she had pinned me to the floor and whispered, “I’m a big girl, I think I can take care of myself.” 

I should have cared more about an intrusion when I took her in the ring that night, The Gods knew Illyrians were restless creatures and more likely than not, one of them could have flown in at any time, maybe a few of them did, but I didn’t have the heart to care, because she was so perfect and she was mine. Unbelievably so. But she was mine, just as I was hers, and I’d be damned if every single person didn’t know that. So yes the thought of another Male seeing my mate naked and that vulnerable made my blood boil but at least I knew that she moaning only because of me and only screaming my name. And that if a few people saw then, by now half the camp would know how yielded to each other we were.

I was covered in mud and the blood of other people, which is why it wasn’t surprising when Nesta tried to shoo me of the bed and into the bath.

I didn’t know the specifics of her powers but I thanked the cauldron as I sank into the already hot steaming bath, she stood at the head of the bath and picked out a shampoo, and began massaging it into my head.

If Rhys or Az were here I knew I’d receive a proper grilling for the purrs that escaped me as my mate rubbed at my scalp, I hadn’t washed my hair properly in so long and I was quite excited for it to be fluffy and clean.

“I went to the healers today.”

“Yeah, what did they say about your nausea? Are you okay?”

She kissed the top of my head,

“I’m wonderful.”

I was officially confused, she was wonderful? She’d be woken up by sickness everyday for the past week and she was wonderful? 

I decided that I wasn’t going to think about it right now, especially as her hands had trailed down my neck and had started rubbing my shoulders. 

“I’m gonna go and get ready for bed,” she winked, “ I’ll let you finish off.”

“What are you gonna wear?” I asked with a smirk,

“That’s none of your concern, you big brute.” She sat on the edge of the bath.

“It is, if I’m the one who’s going to take it off you.”

“I wouldn’t get your hopes up too much,” She bent down to place a kiss on my lips, “I might not be wearing any clothes at all.”

“What a simple world we’d live in then.”

but when she tried to pull away, I raised my hand to the back of her neck and pulled her back down, the hairs at the nape of her neck were now soaking but I didn’t think she minded. When she pulled away I groaned in protest, 

“You’ll just have to finish your bath quickly then.”

She turned away her hips swaying, teasing me. But just before she left the bathroom I got a whiff of the most amazing scent ever, I knew it was coming from her. 

—-

I emerged from the bathroom with a towel tied low on my waist, she was already sat in bed reading a book, having opted for a red lacy nightgown that made my heart stop.

“I’ve been thinking,” I drawled, “ that I might just give up on wearing clothes around the house.”

She giggled at that but didn’t take her attention away from her book.

“After all, they always end up on the floor anyway,” a step towards the bed, “it’s so much hassle to clean them,” I dropped my towel, “ and I know how much you enjoy seeing me.” I began to crawl over her on the bed, I could see the blush forming on her cheeks as she tried to ignore me.

“I see how it is,” she drawled without looking up from her book, “you’re stealing my naked idea.”

This female. “Well to be pedantic, you only said that you might be naked now, I’m suggesting we should make it a permanent thing.”

“Well, I do hate washing your clothes,” she said as she shut the book, “and I really hate hanging my delicates outside to dry for all the world to see,” a low moan escaped me as I began to grind against her, “but,” she said sharply, “we wouldn’t want someone to walk in and see you,” her eyes were hypnotic, I couldn’t look away, “and I imagine it would be particularly scarring if a child were to walk past.”

That was strange.

“Nes, what child would ever be-“

I saw her eyes again, and a happy tear escaped. I realised what that marvellous scent was, I understood why she’d been sick all week, 

“Nes, are you-“ I couldn’t hold the smile in,

“I am.” She said breathlessly.

“Oh my god.” I said,

“Are you happy?” She said through the few tears that fell,

I was speechless, of course I was happy, I never expected children so soon, we weren’t married, we hadn’t spoken of the mating bond, hell our family didn’t even know about us yet, but it just felt. Right.

Instead of trying to put my joy into words, I kissed her soundlessly.

“We’re gonna have a baby.” She whispered, a smile finally creeping at her mouth. 

“Are you happy, my love?”

“I’m not going to lie, I was very scared when I found out, but walking home, I saw a Male teaching his daughter how to fly,” I was sat practically on top of her with my knees either side of her hips and my hands holding her waist, her hand was stroking up and down my arm, “and I could see a future with you, and I saw that you would make a wonderful father, Cass.”

I started crying then, and my hand moved to her neck, and our foreheads joined together,   
“I’ve always wanted a kid.” I told her.

“I didn’t,” she whispered, “until I met you.”

I kissed her again. And again. And again. I nibbled her ear and trailed my lips down to her neck where I stayed for ages as I breathed in her scent. My mate, who wasn’t my mate was pregnant and I was protective of her once before. But there was no telling what I would do now.

But I didn’t care. I would go to the ends of the world to make sure that the two of them were safe and happy. I would do anything for my family.


	4. Chapter 4

When I began to stir early the next morning, I found Cassian’s finger trailing my flat stomach ever so gently, the sight before me made my heart flutter. When I first met Cassian I never would have pinpointed him as a gentle Male. His hulking size and easy smirk let my brain believe that he was a “destroy first, ask questions later” kind of guy. But when I looked at him, completely unbeknownst to me waking and looking at my stomach like the world was hidden inside I knew how gentle he was.

“What you thinking there?” I said, startling him.

“I’m thinking that my beautiful lover, has been asleep for far too long, and that the breakfast I made for her has gone cold already.”

“I’m sleeping for two.” I said as I nudged him, and he let out a quiet huff, then I looked to his eyes and said “lover?”

“I don’t really know what to call you.” 

“Sweetheart, Darling, Hot stuff, Goddess, beauty...”

He shut me up with a kiss, and I all too quickly forgot what we were talking about as he cradled my head with one hand and the other grabbed my waist and shifted our bodies so he was half on top of me.

“You are all those things,” he whispered, “but.. what are we.... to each other?”

I could tell he was anxious about this, and I wasn’t going to lie, I was worried too, these past few weeks had been so much fun, and I think part of it was because we hadn’t officially established what we were, there were little expectations and every fleeting moment of love between us was so special and I didn’t want that specialness to end because we labelled our selves. But then again, I knew I only wanted him, and I really wanted that commitment. The commitment I’d never gotten from Tomas, sure I had a proposal and a ring but we weren’t committed to each other, if we were married he would have had a mistress by now as I lived my utterly boring life.

“To be honest, I’m not sure,” my voice was croaky, “and I guess,” a sigh, “with the baby and everything, we should establish a little stability.”

“Really? That’s your answer?”

“What?”

“I just thought what we had was a little bit more between us than a stability agreement.”

“What did you want me to say?”

“I wanted you to tell me- never mind, I have to go.”

“Cassian.”

He rose from the bed and picked his clothes off the floor, and started dressing. Obviously distressed going by how frustrated he was at his trousers for being inside out.

“Cass, talk to me.”

He paused for a moment. He sat on the bed, back to me.

“I just thought we were finally getting somewhere.”

I sat up and moved closer to him my chin on his shoulder, as I clutched the bedsheets closer to my naked form.

“What do you mean? Of course we are.”

I felt it then. The bond. Again. And again. And again.

Cassian shifted his body to face me.

“I am so in love with you, completely and utterly in love with you. And I guess, I just wanted to hear it back.”

He stood up and made his way towards the door, but before he could leave.

“I was engaged once,” I said and he stopped dead in his tracks, “I was engaged, and we didn’t love each other.

“A few years ago I thought that was all I was good for, a loveless marriage to take me away from my miserable family only to inevitably make me more miserable. Cass, please forgive me, I have no idea how to love, I’ve never seen a lifetime commitment be forged in the name of love. I guess it scares me, this life, is still so new to me, and I don’t know how it works.”

He started to walk towards me again, and sat on the bed and cupped my cheek. I knew I was forgiven.

“In the mortal realm if someone fell pregnant they’d have to be married in an instant. Or else shame would be brought upon their family.”

“I just don’t want to push you into anything you don’t want to do or feel like you have to do.”

“But Cass, don’t you see, I want to be with you, not just because of this baby but because it’s what I want, and it’s taken me far too long to admit to myself.”

The bond between us was pulsing so fast I thought my chest might explode. And I knew Cassian could feel it too when he lowered his head and kissed the spot just below my breasts in the centre of my rib cage. The exact place I could feel the bond pulsing through me.

He looked at me and we shared a silent moment that could’ve have been an eternity for all we knew, but it was the first time that we had admitted the bond to each other, no words were said. No words were needed.

He crawled his way back up, now completely on top of me and kissed me. My breathing was irregular, my heart was beating at an unhealthy rate, I could feel every inch of his mind and his breath around me, as I began to sweat. 

“I love you.” Breathless, “I am so in love with you, Cass. Sorry I didn’t say it sooner.”

“You are more than forgiven.”

He kissed my ear and my neck, and my hand tugged on the curls at the back of his neck, but he stopped and looked at me.

“So?” I said onto his lips, eyes closed.

“So.” He smirked onto my lips, which only made me pull him down again and make me want to kiss him more.

That was until he rolled off of me, and stood from the bed.

“Where are you going!?”

“I have to get ready.”

“You can’t leave me, especially when we’ve just,”

“Just what? Darling.” He smirked.

“You Bastard, Brute, you know exactly what.” What was he up to, I wanted to be so angry at him but his smile just made me calm.

“You really think that’s how I’m going to ask you?”

I looked down at my lap. I’d never thought about that, I guess I’d just assumed that mating bonds were like engagements, simple, no big fuss, and that they were just sort of there, I’d never thought people made a huge deal out of them.

“Well after your big speech about being together because it’s what we wanted, I thought you’d just ask me straight away.”

He cupped my jaw, and brought my gaze back to his. 

“I would be officially declared in a heartbeat, but I know that when this little one,” he looked down at my stomach, “is born and we tell him or her the story of how we fell in love, I don’t want the moment when I ask you to be a moment of sudden realisation and a sudden acceptance, I want to be able to surprise you, I want to be somewhere that when you, hopefully, agree, I can yell it so loud that everyone will know, or at least our family. I want to spend time with you Nesta Archeon, I want you at your best and worst. I want to buy you a ring. We have all the time in the world, and what I really want is to be able to give you the best proposal ever.”

“You’re so dramatic,” I said with a coy smile,

“I’m so in love,” he smirked “but Knowing that you would have said yes on the spot, means more than the entire world, my love.”

“Who said I would’ve said yes, maybe I was just sexually frustrated.” 

He kissed me again, steeling my breath and my heart with it, and I cursed our current position as he lowered his hips to mine and began rubbing against me. He had his trousers on which made the friction all the more frustrating. I could feel his length through his trousers and it took every ounce of self control to not yank them down and pounce on him again, all the while the tether between us thumping away.

“Cass, please stop teasing.” I said breathlessly.

He didn’t as he began nibbling my neck, his thrusts becoming much harder.

“Fine, whatever,” I huffed, “it doesn’t feel that good-“ a rather loud moan escaped me then.

“Whatever you say, Nes.” He said with a smile and kiss, “Okay now I’ve really got to go, I have to bathe and get ready.”

That bastard. But as he made to leave the room, I grabbed his hand,

“Wait, how about you join me in the shower?”

The glint in his eye was priceless.

“You know I would absolutely love to, my dear, but my clothes are on the other side of the house, so I’d have to run through the corridors naked.”

I gave him a wicked smirk, as I suggested that, that may not be the worst idea, but then,

“Well what if all your stuff was here?”

“Well then I’d bathe in my room and still have to run across the house naked.” He smirked,

I hit him for being and imbecile.

“Are you asking me to move into your room with you?” He asked with that Cassian smile. 

“Or I can move into yours, or if Mr celibacy,” I nudged him jokingly, “thinks we should wait until we’re officially together, then we can wait.”

“Our baby is more than proof that I am not ‘Mr Celibacy’.” He said with a laugh, “and I Guess this room is rather special,” for the second time today, he joined me on the bed, “it was the site of our first time,” he moved on top of me, “where the little one was conceived,” he held either sides of my head, “you ate an entire meal off of me.” He smirked.

“That was in the kitchen, you brute!”

“Still, any excuse to bring up that moment.” That smirk. Again. It was going to be the death of me.

“Just answer the question.”

He laughed it off and looked deeply into my eyes our foreheads touching each other, “Yes, My Nes,” he whispered, “I would absolutely love to move in with you.”

I kissed him and everything was perfect. Even if I’d have to wait for a proposal. He was so worth it, for Cassian I’d wait a million fae lifetimes, because he was my special person, and people are beyond blessed to have one, let alone have them love you back, and want to be with you against all else.

I’d wait for him. For our family.


	5. Chapter 5

Seeing him stood in the kitchen, shirtless, humming a simple melody, cooking a meal was all I needed when I came home from the camps.

It had been particularly exhausting today. Since falling pregnant Cassian had been relentlessly trying to convince me to take it easy. But of course my arrogant self was determined to prove him wrong. I was just short of two months pregnant, I wasn’t due to start showing for another month or so and not all my females had known I was pregnant because I didn’t want them to treat me differently until it was necessary. 

But today the females had insisted we worked with weaponry. Hand to hand combat was hard enough but the constant fear of having a blade near my stomach set a new kind of fear in me. 

My entire day of dodging, keeping the blade at a distance, trying not to be distracted, had driven me to a point of frustration where I’d needed to excuse myself to throw up. When I’d returned they were all staring at me and the hand that was on my stomach. But before I could tell them, a female called from across the room, “Is Cassian the father?” 

When I nodded, a little bit proudly I might add, I saw her let out a huff, I guess she must have had eyes for the famed Commander. As did a few other females who also shared the reaction. 

I also noticed as one of them passed a few gold coins to another. So a bet had been made, maybe I wasn’t as secretive as I thought. 

“You can’t go telling everyone,” I said approaching them, “please, I want to tell my sister in person and wouldn’t want her to find out through Gossip.”

“The High Lady?” One of the shyer ones mumbled.

I nodded.

I realised how much I missed them. I’d never have thought I was close to my family but the thought of Elain and Feyre spending time together and me not being there. I was jealous. And also disappointed. Disappointed in myself that My selfish ways had driven us apart. That I didn’t know how Elain was getting on. I didn’t know the slightest thing about her. All I hoped was that Azriel was taking care of her. The last I’d heard was Lucien had left for the continent and if the rumours were to be believed, was warming the bed of a certain cursed queen. I didn’t know how she felt, I couldn’t reach her. I wanted to see my sisters. Feyre. Feyre and my relationship had always been strained but I found myself wondering that if Feyre were to fall pregnant would I mind not knowing. Of course I would. I’d want to be told immediately if my baby sister was pregnant. Gods I missed them. A tear pricked my eye. What was wrong with me? Must have been pregnancy hormones.

“Is it true, that she banished you here?” One of the louder ones said completely taking advantage of my emotionally wrecked state.

And after a day of heavy weaponry training, throwing my guts up, announcing I was pregnant to 20 female Illyrians, having them each swear they wouldn’t gossip and telling them the story of my banishment from the night court, and then a bit more hand to hand combat training, I decided that all I really wanted was a hot drink and a quiet night with my Cass.

“You’re home early!” He said as he heard me hitting the mud off my boots.

“Yeah,” I walked quickly towards him running into his arms, “it was a tiring day and I sent them home early,” he lifted me slightly of the ground and kissed me,

“You told them you were pregnant, didn’t you?” He mumbled.

How on earth did he know? 

“I can taste that you’ve been sick, Sweetheart, I imagine that’s when you told them.”

“I don’t even care anymore,” I rested my forehead against his, my arms clasped around his neck, “I’m just happy to be home with you.”

And like that the day was forgotten, we stayed like that swaying gently, holding onto each other, basking in this moment of silence, only the Gods knew if we’d ever have another peaceful moment. Cassian began humming something, I didn’t recognise it, but I didn’t care, it was beautiful, and we fell into a gentle dance, he never took his eyes away from me.

As a child, father took us to a larger city so he could meet some trade merchants but he also promised us a trip to the theatre. There was no theatre in our town, the best we got was a beggar playing a measly instrument to earn a little more money. Sometimes I’d hear the servants sing when I was younger too. But nothing could have prepared me for the moment the orchestra started.

It took my breath away, and forced a tear from my eye. I was in awe as the theatre filled with the most beautiful sounds, all notes perfectly played. And when I started breathing again it was like I was part of it, like I was living and breathing the music around me, it moved through my bones and veins, creating an ever so beautiful tingling in my spine.

From that moment on, I’d loved music. Loved the simplicity of a melody to an orchestra in full swing. And standing here with Cassian, humming a gentle tune in my ear was my favourite.

Our feet moved faster when Cass started singing louder and a more upbeat tune, he took one of my hands, the other was still circling my waist, and we took of in a mighty dance round the kitchen, I couldn’t stop the smile that came to my face and when I looked at Cass’ infectious grin, I knew he felt the same way. We moved round the kitchen as his melody soared, spinning, ducking and throwing me in the air. 

He was insufferable. The music came to a dramatic close, Cassian pouring his heart out to the song and lifted me up in the process. My arms never left his neck, but he was carrying me bridal style, and looking deeply into my eyes. I finally caught my breath again, and much like when I’d first been to the theatre, when I started breathing again, I was breathing him in, all of him, he was so beautiful, he was so gentle. I could see the kindness in his eyes along with a hint of hunger and lust. Oh we knew where this night was going to end.

He span us around as the song came to a close and my hand found its way to his cheek and I pulled him in for a gentle kiss, kicking my legs up and downplayfully at the same time. I don’t think I’d ever been this happy, until,

“Please tell me Cassian confessed his feelings first, because if it was Nesta then I owe Rhys a lot of money.”

—-

Azriel. Azriel was in our home. Obviously I didn’t register it was Azriel at first, otherwise I wouldn’t be standing in the middle of the kitchen holding a frying pan up in defence, shielding Cassian with myself. And the frying pan.

“Easy Ness,” Cass whispered in my ear coming closer to me, Azriel probably couldn’t even see because the frying pan instructed his view, “it’s just Azriel.”

He placed his hands on my shoulder and moved them along my arms, lowering the frying pan in the process and once his hands were over mine he took it from me. He never let go of me, even when he place the pan on the counter top his hand was still on the small of my back.

“So the Commanders of the night court have finally admitted their feelings to each other.” Azriel said through a smile, probably just happy to see his brother content.

And in that moment I thanked the Gods that Cassian had been cooking dinner because if it wasn’t for the overwhelming smell of meat from the oven, Azriel could have been able to sense my pregnancy.

“What do you want, Azriel?” Cassian barked.

I’d never seen him so square. I saw the hands in his pockets. Clenched. As if holding back. Feyre has told me about this, how males were protective, very protective, over their females, especially when another Male was too close. I guess I hadn’t been in much contact with any males since coupling with Cassian so it has never been an issue, but as we stood in our Kitchen it suddenly felt too small for two Illyrian egos. 

“It’s okay Cass,” calm, his face was so calm, so unmoved by the mighty warrior, “I simply came by to extend this invitation to you.” 

Cassian stepped in front of me to take the envelope in Azriels scarred hands. 

“I’ll be on my way.” Azriel said and turned to leave, but Cassian caught up with him, probably realising how stupid he’d been, and caught him in a bear hug.

“I missed you brother.” He said, in that choked Cassian voice.

“We miss you too,” Azriel echoed back, “and you too, Miss Archeon.” 

Yeah right.

No one ever missed me.

“Anyway, I really should be going.” Azriel stated and turned to Cassian, “I’ll leave you to your business.” He glanced at me. Then back to Cass. Then winked.

And within a breath Azriel was gone with the shadows. 

“Invitation?” I asked.

“Nesta Archeon And Cassian Addison, the commanders of the Night court armies are Invited by the High Lord and High Lady to their Starfall party at the river house. Look sharp.”

“Wow.” Starfall was in a month, “Your last name is Addison?”

“Yeah it was chosen for me, because I never knew my father. It means ‘Son of man’. I always thought it was a slap in the face, declaring me a human, making me look weak in front of the whole unit. So I never use it.”

“Maybe you can take my surname.” I said rather boldly.

“Hold on,” he smirked, “I thought I was supposed to propose.” He sauntered over to me and lifted me up again, he never stopped smiling, that glint in his eye remained.

“If I live that long.” I said with an amused sigh. “Starfall is a month away.”

“So is when you begin to show.” His hand gently trailed to my stomach,

“Maybe we won’t have to tell them. Maybe they’ll just be able to see for themselves.”

He let out a quiet huff. “Have you thought about how we’re gonna tell them.”

“I don’t know, Cass, Feyre and Rhys have been trying to have a baby for years and I don’t just want to show up and scream it from the rooftops.”

“We won’t,” he pulled me closer, I knew he could sense my agitation, “look, Ness, whatever happens we’re gonna be together,” he looked at me, “just me and you against the world.”

“And our baby.” I smiled,

“And our baby.” He echoed.


End file.
